Hey guys... I haven't updated this journal in awhile.. And honestly, the only reason I am is because I'm physically shaking with heartache.... And I need to talk about it. Earlier today, the person I care the most about in the whole world came to me for advice. They had met someone that they began to have feelings for, and asked me how you can tell when you're in love... And I guess something in me just.. Snapped. I suppose this needs some back story before I continue.
When I was eight, I met this guy in my Sunday school. He was so nice to me, and we quickly became friends... He disappeared for awhile, and came back when I was around 13. By then I'd learned what loving someone was like, and I'd developed a crush on him.. Turns out, he'd been in juvie all that time. I didn't care. To me, he could do no wrong. We danced around each other for a few months, before confessing. And even then we did nothing about it. He disappeared again for the same reason. Came back for a month, accused my cousin of raping his little sister, and left again.. He returned around my birthday earlier this year, and I spoke with him... Forgave him... And then my parents tore us apart.
Sometime around then, I'd met another guy through him. He was a singer. He was friendly. We got along great... I developed feelings. And I thought he did to. He'd walk home with me sometimes, complement on my looks and perfume.. But after he graduated, we barely talked. I always texted first... And I just recently ended things for good in a letter to him.. No reply.
During this school year, I met a new guy. He's in my engineering group in school. He's funny, he's attractive, and we have so much in common it's unreal... Once again, I developed feelings. Earlier this week, we were working together, and a boy that always teases me came up to us and said "are you two dating?" We both said no. He's persisted: "you two get along too well to just be friends." I insisted that we were just that. Then he said "would you two ever date?" And I hesitated... But I partner didn't "No." He scoffed when he said it... And all I could do was agree and keep working.
I haven't gotten to talk to my friend much at all this week... And I just ruined my chances to do so because I was lonely and hurting from rejection.... I gave the, the advice... But I made it personal, and selfish......
And I broke their heart.
And I tried to fix it... God, I wish I tried harder... But what was done was done... And I've never felt this guilty and horrible in my entire life. They think they don't deserve love... To be happy... When it's the opposite. They deserve it so much and now they won't try because I'm conceded and bitter. I'm such a horrible person for what I did. It was so wrong... So, so wrong. And I can never fix it, and I can never have their trust back... And if they're reading.... I never meant to deter you... I never meant to hurt you...
I wanted to protect you with what I thought was right.
But I was wrong... So wrong. And I pray that one day... Even if I'm long dead by then... That you'll forgive me.
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